Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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