Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i will never coherently bang her
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
