Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
no you cant smoke seaweed
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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