Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
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I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
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I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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