We're facebook friends in real life
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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