I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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