I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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