i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
In America we eat man semen.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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