Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
