if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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