The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
