i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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