Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
