He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
