So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
