Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
She told me I should be a condom model.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
