I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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