how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
