Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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