i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
