If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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