after a month anything with tits is on the radar
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He told me they were just razor bumps!
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Randomize
