I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
