So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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