So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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