i think my tv is drunk
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
