thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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