When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Bring me that man meat
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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