The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
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