I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I have already put on my inside pants.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
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