Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
People in love make me want to vomit
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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