Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
