Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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