i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
