dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
