I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Randomize
