cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
