I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Floor bacon is actually really good
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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