yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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