She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
