I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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