Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I wish you could order shots online.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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