Pappa wants mamma naked
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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