Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I didn't notice because vodka
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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