fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
