next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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