I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
