I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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