why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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