Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He's a Shit stain on my heart
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
