I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
