I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
