My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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