Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
