Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
