I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
